I'm still learning to be me.

I came here for other purposes... I met a boy.
But then I saw it.
I had a "follower".
And it was you...

I'd looked for you before, but I couldn't find you. So I gave up.
I don't know if I'm glad I made that choice.

I don't know if I'm still changing for the bad.
I don't know if you still hope for a brighter future.

We're friends now; at least I think.
I don't really know.

I don't know if I'm worse or better.
I don't know if I'm a friend or enemy.
I don't even know if I am who I am.

I do know something.. I love you.
I forget the last time you said those words.

So please let me know..
Am I better?
Because I truly hope I am.
I'll admit I changed.
And I'm still trying to find who I am.

But, I finally got to where I'm pretty damn happy.
I have new friends.
I think I still have old friends.

I expected this year to be lonely.
But I'm having more fun than I could have imagined.

I'm sorry for everything.
I hope we've reached the better times.
'Cause god damn, I miss those old ones.

New friends and updates.

All summer, I felt out of it..
I didn't have friends.
I didn't have fun.
I didn't have happiness.
I didn't have love.
But now.. It's all coming back to me.
I have friends.
I have fun.
I have happiness.
I have fun.
There are new people in my life, and I like them. I suppose I've been officially initiated as a friend.. We had a sleep over last night.
And EVEN THOUGH she had a tragedy, we still had fun. And we got through it together. And.. I haven't felt like I was truly able to support someone like that for a while. And I feel that if I need it, they'll all be there for me too. And they actually have been.
I liked another boy. And I think he liked me back. But I almost ruined it.. And I think we're just friends now. He's too busy, according to my friend. But she won't say exactly what was said. And I don't know exactly how he feels.
I still hurt from everything that's happened over the past six months... But it's getting better. And I'm getting better.

Hearts. <3

Have you ever..

Have you ever felt so down, you couldn't find a way up?

Have you ever felt so scared, you don't want to try again?

Have you ever cried so much, your tears stopped coming?

Have you ever hurt so bad, you felt you deserved it?

Have you ever wanted to hurt more, because you deserved it?

Have you ever missed something so much, it haunted you every day?

Have you ever been so alone, you wanted to believe in God?

Have you ever wanted to tell them so bad, but you couldn't?

Have you ever been so embarrassed to cry, you silenced your tears?

Have you ever wanted to just go away?

I have. I am now.

Have you ever been truly happy?

I have. A long, long time ago. When they still cared. When we all loved.

What she doesn't realize..

I'd rather hide from the pain than face it head-on.

It hurts to be forced to be alone. I'd rather do it on my own terms.

I'd rather be able to free myself.

It's better than seeing them all happy and wishing.

It already hurts enough just knowing.

I know it'll hurt more with it real.

I wish it would all change.

I know it won't; it's them over me.

My blog hates me.

Yes, but it seems that sometimes, I hate me too.

Seriously. What a dumb thing to say.

What a dumb thing to think.

That he would want to do anything with me?

Hahaha. See? It's laughable.

But even so..

I know..

Tomorrow he'll still be my wish.

While I'm sitting alone.

I said sorry.

I did.
Because, I admit it, it was wrong to get so mad.
But I was truthful.
You did not tell me. She did not have it as her away. And it was my idea.

And, it is true, that she had forbade me to go to your house without her. Which is dumb.

But you got mad at me. Which is also dumb. Because being mad at each other is dumb.

What you said really hurt.

I just realized..

I'm so glad I'm the bigger fucking person.

She should be glad too.

Because one day, someone else won't be.

And she'll get fucked up.

Slap a hoe.

Someone really should.

I don't know exactly who, though.

She didn't exactly know I was coming, but she was with me. But she wasn't even civil enough to understand that she had plans with other people. She didn't care that she was ultimately forcing her to choose, me out of town, and a poor guy who came in at four in the fucking morning to see her to hang out alone until four.

She is obviously out to make my life Hell. I can't even hang out with my friends after exams because of her.

I don't know if I'll be able to hang out with them tomorrow, as I've planned all week, because of her.

She might ruin my plans for a party. She might make it all miserable just by her presence.

I don't even know why I bother.

She is obviously ten hundred times better than me.

Even though I know she isn't.

Annoyed.

Sometimes, friends are really bogus.

It's like, okay. You know that we aren't friends anymore. But like, do you know how much that changed my life?

Do you even care?

Do you realize that while you're off galavanting with them, I'm home, alone, because I have no one else.

Do you know how much it hurts that you just go off with her and leave me alone every fucking day while I go sit alone or try to find other people to hang out with, usually causing awkwardness or failure?

Do you know that I'd never ever put you through this?

It's Hell.

And I want to go back to Heaven.

You knew why.

Whatever, I'm not posting what I feel.

I don't have the heart.

I love you too much, and it kills me.

I love everyone too much.

Bullshit.

Right now, my life is basically bullshit.

I hate school.

I hate lunch the most.

I wait for them, to see if maybe I can come.

And then they leave.

Without me.

And I come here and sit, alone, as always, pretending to work on something I'm not.

Scary.

"I was already in too deep. [...] Because when I thought of him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, the magnetic force of his personality, I wanted nothing more than to be with him right now."
Twilight

Guess who refuses to get off my mind?
I don't know what's wrong with me.

He's just another stupid boy.
But he doesn't act like them.
I don't get like this with normal boys.
I'm fine flirting with normal boys.
He's not acting like a normal boy.

And that scares the shit outta me.




What's more scary?
I'm attached. A lot.

Boys.

Let's look at the stats.
#1 - said no to go with me to prom. DENIED.
#2 - is confusing. not like any other guy I've ever met. surprises me often. makes me laugh. nerdy, cute, adorable, amazing. I dunno if he actually asked me out, but he's said something like that twice. in two days. I said I hate bikes and outdoors, then didn't answer. I seem to make him nervous. I'm smiling like a friggin' gremlin. I have it BAD.
#3 - fun to flirt with. end of story.

Shit monkies. I'm not used to this.

I want my own Edward. Whatwhat? FROM TWILIGHT, GOSH.

In other news..
There is no other news.

Wait, I miss my friends. My best friends. I hope we're still good. I need you more than ever.
<33

Oh fuck, I have it really fucking bad.
[inlikehearts] Flo

Lovin' It.

I am not at prom.
And currently, I am lovin' it.
Strange, right?

Things I am also currently lovin':
1. The thought of college.
2. The thought of college in MALIBU.
3. The thought of the sun at college, in Malibu.
4. The thought of start fresh, and being able to be my own person. Without middle-school stereotypes. [Seriously, Poolesville. People change. Get over it.]
4. The thought that he might be there... A new 'he', and old 'he', doesn't matter. As long as he's a he, and he's right for me. =D [I'm so happy I rhymed.]
5. The thought that I might FINALLY be able to learn to count properly.

I can't wait.
Only one more year until I escape.
And I am lovin' the though of a whole new life.

Trust me.

I want to do this for you.
I want you to succeed.
Trust me.
I love you.

I'm not trying to badger you.

In other news..

There's a new one.
FUCK.
I really suck at this.

FUCK IT.

FUCK IT.

I hate college.

I will not get in [to Cornell, Hamilton, Bard, Pepperdine, or Brandeis.]

I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I refuse to go.

But I will.
And I won't be good enough.

Blank.

I have no emotions right now; I feel blank.
It feels empty.

I'm just here.

Calm after the storm?

He.

He is not dead.
He was always alive.

He missed me too.
He never had the chance.

He almost broke me.
He is working on it as well.

He cares about my existence.
He is just beginning.

He lives far away.
He is right here.

He was always there for me, even if it was his fault.
He was the reason I cried.

AW, FUCK MAN.
Not this shit again.

I hate it.

I hate crying over this.
It's just supposed to be a stupid dance.
But every stupid dance, I went with them.
And now we're not.
Now I'm not.



I want them back. I want us back.
Not that you're reading, but...
I'm sorry.
I never meant to hurt you.

At least I didn't lose it all..

Eye.

Love.

You.

I Miss Them.

I hate to admit it, but I miss them.




I miss us.



We were always a team. We did everything together.



Now I'm excluded.



They were supposed to be our high school memories together.



But now I'm out.



Forever was surprisingly short.



And it'll never be the same again.



Do they even remember?



I'll always love them.



And I'll always miss us.

Rejection.

He said no. Typical.
Whatever.
I'd really like to pretend that I don't care, but I do.
I hate this.

I don't get why I'm not good enough.
But I do.
It's because I'm different.
I'm not blonde, I'm not white, I'm not skinny, I'm not pretty.
I'm the only person at my school who looks like me.
We have no middle ground.
You're black. Or you're white. Or you're asian. Someone likes you if you're one of those. It's bound to happen.
And then you're me. The one who never gets looked at as more than a friend. The one who cares so much but is never cared about.

I stay silent, pining for those guys. Those guys who I think I have a chance with. But I never do. And I never will.

I've never had a date. I've never had a boyfriend. I've never had a first kiss.

I want to get out of this fucked-up place.
I want to find people like me.
I want to find people who like me.
I want out.

But I never get what I want.

[brokenhearts] Flo

AHHYAY.

:D I just got extremely happy.
Want to know why?
He texted me back. Yes, him. The boy that I've been pining for for months.
His phone was off all weekend. That's why he never answered.
I'm going to ask him to prom. It's in less than three weeks.
I'm so excited.
This is how it is to be a girly teenager. Now let's just wait for the let down.

[excitedhearts] Flo

Bonjour. <3

I don't really feel anything right now.
My shoulder hurts, that's about it.
I suppose I'm numb. Numb to everything.
I'm so fed up with the shit that is high school [gross, right?] that I'm just worn out.
So, bonjour. Welcome to my little world.
It's quite a doozy.


[hearts] Flo