I'm still learning to be me.

I came here for other purposes... I met a boy.
But then I saw it.
I had a "follower".
And it was you...

I'd looked for you before, but I couldn't find you. So I gave up.
I don't know if I'm glad I made that choice.

I don't know if I'm still changing for the bad.
I don't know if you still hope for a brighter future.

We're friends now; at least I think.
I don't really know.

I don't know if I'm worse or better.
I don't know if I'm a friend or enemy.
I don't even know if I am who I am.

I do know something.. I love you.
I forget the last time you said those words.

So please let me know..
Am I better?
Because I truly hope I am.
I'll admit I changed.
And I'm still trying to find who I am.

But, I finally got to where I'm pretty damn happy.
I have new friends.
I think I still have old friends.

I expected this year to be lonely.
But I'm having more fun than I could have imagined.

I'm sorry for everything.
I hope we've reached the better times.
'Cause god damn, I miss those old ones.

New friends and updates.

All summer, I felt out of it..
I didn't have friends.
I didn't have fun.
I didn't have happiness.
I didn't have love.
But now.. It's all coming back to me.
I have friends.
I have fun.
I have happiness.
I have fun.
There are new people in my life, and I like them. I suppose I've been officially initiated as a friend.. We had a sleep over last night.
And EVEN THOUGH she had a tragedy, we still had fun. And we got through it together. And.. I haven't felt like I was truly able to support someone like that for a while. And I feel that if I need it, they'll all be there for me too. And they actually have been.
I liked another boy. And I think he liked me back. But I almost ruined it.. And I think we're just friends now. He's too busy, according to my friend. But she won't say exactly what was said. And I don't know exactly how he feels.
I still hurt from everything that's happened over the past six months... But it's getting better. And I'm getting better.

Hearts. <3

Have you ever..

Have you ever felt so down, you couldn't find a way up?

Have you ever felt so scared, you don't want to try again?

Have you ever cried so much, your tears stopped coming?

Have you ever hurt so bad, you felt you deserved it?

Have you ever wanted to hurt more, because you deserved it?

Have you ever missed something so much, it haunted you every day?

Have you ever been so alone, you wanted to believe in God?

Have you ever wanted to tell them so bad, but you couldn't?

Have you ever been so embarrassed to cry, you silenced your tears?

Have you ever wanted to just go away?

I have. I am now.

Have you ever been truly happy?

I have. A long, long time ago. When they still cared. When we all loved.

What she doesn't realize..

I'd rather hide from the pain than face it head-on.

It hurts to be forced to be alone. I'd rather do it on my own terms.

I'd rather be able to free myself.

It's better than seeing them all happy and wishing.

It already hurts enough just knowing.

I know it'll hurt more with it real.

I wish it would all change.

I know it won't; it's them over me.

My blog hates me.

Yes, but it seems that sometimes, I hate me too.

Seriously. What a dumb thing to say.

What a dumb thing to think.

That he would want to do anything with me?

Hahaha. See? It's laughable.

But even so..

I know..

Tomorrow he'll still be my wish.

While I'm sitting alone.